What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
