I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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