Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
