No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just found a bag of teeth...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
