No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize