i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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