you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
