Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
