phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
