He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize