Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
