I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
