party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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