i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
