come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
