I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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