Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
