don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
