he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize