How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
