As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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