think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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