i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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