I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Randomize
