I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize