Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
