I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
