so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
