ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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