Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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