Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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