you traded sex for a burrito?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
