My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Bring me that man meat
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