living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize