I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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