in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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