I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
