I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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