Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
