There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
