He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
