i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You need a sexual gate keeper
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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