Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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