It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize