The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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