don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
