Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
zippers are such a cool invention
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Randomize
