I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
