Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
