I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
