Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
