dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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