im about as happy as oj after his trial
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
