Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
