He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
