how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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